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It is so hard to listen to your baby cry.

Today is Charlotte’s very first Fussy Day. By this I mean she has been fussy most of the day, mostly due to lack of sleep. And I am lucky, because she’s 6 1/2 months old and I can honestly say that today is her very first all-day Fussy Day.

I don’t know why she’s not sleeping well all of a sudden. She woke up very early. Took a short morning nap. Her afternoon nap, which is usually two hours long, was interrupted by the doorbell after only one hour.

We took her to the pool to wear her out a little bit, since it had already been a long Fussy Day. She enjoyed her time at the pool immensely. After last weekend in Port Aransas, being in the water has become a major source of entertainment for her, for all of us. She sqeals and splashes with such delight. It is endlessly satisfying to watch her wonderment as she discovers and learns about the world around her. A few hours at the pool is all it took, and Charlotte fell asleep for a nap shortly after we pulled out of the parking lot.

Now it is well past an hour after her normal bed time, and I write this while she cries in her crib.

I’m not really the Cry It Out type of mom. It’s too difficult on me, on all of us. But she’s been inconsolable all day, and I don’t know why. She’s not sick, no fever, she’s not teething. Even if I were to go in there an pick her up, she’d still be fussy and whiny and it is likely she would simply cry as I held her like she did this afternoon after she was rudely awoken from her afternoon nap. Tonight, finally, we just put her down in her crib, hoping she’d go to sleep.

And typically she does, with little fanfare.

But not tonight.

Tonight she cries, alone in her crib.

It is gut wrenching for me. And for Dave. But truthfully, we don’t know what else to do, since she is not comforted by anything we can do.

I love this chid so much, it is beyond explanation. The love is so huge, it sometimes has a strangle hold around my neck and I feel as if I am choking on love, suffocating on it. And it causes me to hold on too tightly to just about everything else in my life.

It is an irony, to be stiff and stressed out on love.

I am learning to let go of things, bit by bit. Letting go, maybe that means letting her cry herself to sleep tonight, to provide comfort and security, but to also let her learn how to cope in her ever changing world.

I have to learn to let go, otherwise I fear I will turn into a controlling, freaked-out mother, which is not good for anyone.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 26th, 2008 at 9:11 pm and is filed under motherhood. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your site.